It's been 84 years..

 

I haven’t been here for a while…

 

Mental health is a daily struggle. I have a deep fear of the ocean and the only way to describe it is being stuck in the crash of the wave. The ocean will keep you under and no matter how much strength you have, it will hold you under its crushing force with every breath getting harder and harder. That’s the only way I can describe it. Writing has always been an outlet, and I let myself slip for months.

This blog won’t be about skating at all. It will be my stupid ramblings about my self confidence and health issues. I know right, boring. I feel that I need to let it go and be a little selfish with posting it though.

Healthwise, things have not been bad, but the mental journey has been the hardest it has been. On top of all the other health issues, last year marked a rough patch with vision and my body changing. It started with taking a much-needed nap in December 2022. I thought I was getting a bad allergy attack and felt puffy and sleepy and decided to fall asleep. I woke with so much pain in my eye I thought I had something sharp sticking in it. Thankfully my husband was home and had him take me to the hospital to get whatever was out of my eye. After what was possible the quickest trip to the hospital I’ve ever had, they had stated that there wasn’t anything in my eye, but something called Iritis where the eye becomes inflamed, and my iris was jumping into overdrive to help. Don’t quote me though, I’m not a doctor and I’m pretty sure there is a more medically fit description for it. The eye doctor had to hold my head back pretty much while they put in eyedrops. Anything that has to do with eyes or eyedrops always gives me the creeps and I get too much anxiety. I had to get over it fast because I had to be on a steroid eye drop and a dilation drop to help with the pain. I try to think I have a high pain tolerance otherwise, but this made me melt like a baby. After a few nights of the most uncomfortable sleep and my amazing husband helping me put the eyedrops in, it started to get better. After months of being on steroid eye drops, I was finally weened off them. After a battery of blood tests to see the reasoning behind this, it’s simply idiopathic and thankfully not a serious autoimmune disorder. My vision suffered a bit, my anxiety built up and I started to see physical signs of it like rashes and the driest skin I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve literally have tried every moisturizer known to man, so if anyone has any tips help a girl out.

This is where the mental issues start. I didn’t look like the same person, the medications they gave me caused me to not want to eat and feel nauseous. Methotrexate is a bitch and I’m so sorry to anyone who must take it constantly.  My medication alerts had become more complicated. I was slowly draining to a void. All over a simple eye issue. The only thing I would look forward to being was getting in bed and turning my brain off.

I started writing short stories again to utilize the escapism it brings. I wanted to switch gears and not talk about the real world anymore. My mind was like a fly on the wall and not being present. I wished that I could have another better version of myself to send out to the world so I could crawl back in bed and sleep.

One day me and the husband went to a roller derby game to watch one of my best friends return to play derby. There another friend mentioned that he hadn’t seen a blog post in a while. Wanting to flee the conversation back home, I just smiled and said I hadn’t really done anything worth mentioning. Not true, I was at the end of my hockey league and had met so many good friends and started to get more confident with it. I’d even dipped my toes in Derby again and bought a new pair of skates to try and force myself back into that happy place again. After many self-loathing nights I figured, who cares on who reads these posts. Why not have a little slice of heaven to release some of this self-inflicted torture I’ve been putting myself through for no reason.

Enough of the sadness, let’s try to get back on track with what this new year will bring. The new season of hockey is starting soon and this time we have actual custom knits that are in my opinion the best jersey I’ve ever owned. Derby wise, I think instead of venturing out too many leagues this year I’ll try to settle in one league. I haven’t quite figured out which one yet, but it’s down to 1 or 2 now at least. Writing wise, after multiple people saying you should write a fiction book, I finally think I’m going to take one of my ideas that’s been brewing and make a long form of it.

To all of those who are stuck in the swell, don’t let the crush of the wave pull you too deep. It’s okay to feel that way, you may feel like it won’t ever end. Try to move with it.

 

 

Until tomorrow,

Trish McCallister

Aka Lettie Zeppelin/Twitch #151